2nd Year Challenge

As you are going through the adoption process, you read a lot about what to expect the first year. You hear about how hard the first year is and the possibilities of issues that could come up. I haven't really heard or read about things / issues / challenges of the second year. I wonder if adopting older children - there really isn't that much out there. The things I read and hear are mostly of younger children. So I thought I would write a post on what challenges / issues we are facing the beginning of our 2nd year with the girls.

We started our 2nd year with separating the girls into their own classroom. Rita had a very difficult time with this separation. Racheal did very well and loves having her own classroom and teacher. It took Rita about 3 weeks to be comfortable with this new change in her life. She has begun to process this whole adoption thing. She has begun to recognize her feelings and she is trying deal with them. Rita has been the one (this first year) who is pleasing to everyone. She doesn't tend to go against us as much as Racheal. Racheal is very strong headed, while Rita is not.

The last couple of weeks, Rita has had dreams of her birth mother and me together. She says her birth mom comes to America and I tell her she can't stay with us. This is her dream and she wakes up crying. This is a dream that has brought out some of her emotions to this adoption. We talk about it and how difficult and expensive it is for her birth mother to come to America, so I don't think it would happen. I talk to her about how her birth mom had to decide she couldn't be their mom any more. We talk about how God has planned for us all to be together and how He has a plan for their birth mother. The one comment Rita has said to me that I think of often is "Mommy, I wish my birth mom would die and go to Heaven." I, of course, ask why she feels that way. She replied, "Because then I won't have to worry about her and she will be with my birth dad". I honestly have to say, I wish the same thing.....only so she doesn't have to feel the responsibility of worry about her. Now I would never wish for someone to die, but to hear the pain in Rita just kills me. It does seem like it would be easier for them to deal with this if she had passed away. But, because she is still living, they think of things like this. Rita has had some very well thought out questions like: Will I know when my birth mom dies? If I go back to Africa when I am 25, will my birth mom know who I am? Why does God not help my birth mom get money for food?

Those are such tough questions. I believe in being very honest with the girls and all of the children. I really encourage an open relationship. But, sometimes questions come up that I don't know they are really ready..emotionally...to hear the truth.

Racheal has handled this in a completely different way. She shows her independence with us. She will argue, complain, and basically do what she wants in secret. I know her all to well, and she doesn't get far with us. I have eagle eyes on her. She will do very well for a while and then slip back into this mood of hers. It's like she is testing us more now than before. I feel like this is the way she is handling the feelings of all of it.

Looking back at their last couple of years......They were brought to Eban House and stayed there for a year, then I came and got them, which they have been with us for a year. So I can see now how they are really beginning to understand they are here with us FOREVER and this has got to be scary.

I wonder if any other families have dealt with this type of issue. I am sure they have but I don't hear or read much about it. I know we can expect thoughts, questions, and issues to come up here and there. It just is sad to see them have to think about this and to try to process it. It's tough being an adoptive mom emotionally - I think. I love them so much and I hate to see them have to deal with this.

My Prayer:
Dear Heavenly Father, please wrap your arms around Rita and Racheal to let them feel your security, protection, and love for them. Lord, help them to understand this is Your plan and how You have such great Blessings to give them. Lord, I ask you to give Jarett and I the wisdom to help them understand what has occurred with them in joining our family. We ask You to help us speak to them honestly, lovingly, and biblically. Only You Lord, knows what is in this plan for them and for us. So continue to help us walk the path you have for all of us. In only Your loving name, Amen.

Change Is Good! Right?

Last week happened to be everyone's first week of school. This was a huge change for us because this year we have quite a bit of different things going on. Karleigh is in Jr. High. She is now in 7th grade. Oh Brother - this was huge for her. It seems like in just a week, she has grown up. She loves her classes and teachers. Every day she has a different story to share. It's great!

The biggest change for our family is that Rita and Racheal are in separate classrooms this year. They had high anxiety with the change and knowing they weren't going to be together right before school started. They kept asking why we did this to them. It's hard to explain that giving them this opportunity to learn in different classroom will help them in the long run. We talked about how they will be able to learn better being in different classrooms. This will give them the chance to learn all by themselves. Last year, they would answer for each other, do each other's work, and stick together. This year they will make their own friends, answer their own questions, and think for themselves.

Rita has had the hardest time adjusting to this new situation. She walks by Racheal's room and peeks into the classroom. She is hugging Racheal all the time (which she really never did). She has been much more clingy to me. It very weird how many steps backward she has taken. I honestly feel like this will be really good for her to be able to grow and accomplish things all by herself. Now, on the other hand, Racheal seems to be doing really well. She absolutely loves being in the classroom she has so far. I am really proud of her. Actually, I am really proud of both of them. They have never been separated like this so overall they are doing pretty good with it.

Karson is in 3rd grade also. This means we have 3 - 3rd graders. All in different classrooms. I hope I can stay up on it all. Kaiden is in fourth grade and really doing well so far. He is trying his best to get straight A's.

So overall, everyone is doing fantastic and growing the way God has planned it. We believe God is working in our family to make more changes. We are still praying about them and when they become final, we will share. You may be thinking.....adopting again....No we are not, nor are we pregnant. Nice Try though!

Blessing,
Chalene

Happy American Birthday Rita and Racheal!

Now


Then




When you adopt, I feel there are several important and very specials dates that keep track of - just like a pregnancy.


There is the day (comparing it to pregnancy):

* you decide to adopt......you decide to get pregnant
* a day you have your homestudy......you get the news you are pregnant
* a day you get your referral......you hear the baby's heart beat for the first time
* you go to court......you get your first ultra sound
* you make your first trip......you take the birthing class
* you make your second trip with taking custody......delivery day
* a day you are home.......a day you are home

Throughout the adoption process we went through last year, I would refer it as a pregnancy. The concept and experience was pretty much the same. The only difference is my babies came out to be 8 years old.

Today is a very special day for our family. It's the day that...one year ago....the girls came home forever. Our other children finally got to meet them and we were united as a family of 7.

WOW! We did it! We made it through the first year. I have been told and I have read about how the first year is the hardest. As I look back, I can't say it was the hardest but it was a challenge. I think the challenge came more from me. If there was anything I could change about this year...it would be taking the full 6 weeks off to adjust. I made the mistake of taking only 3 weeks off and then I went back to work full time. As I look back, I was exhausted for 2 of those weeks just from the trip. Then getting all the kids to adjust to this new transition and getting ready for school was just to much. I think if I would have taken the other 3weeks off, then I would have been able to get the girls adjusted to school and give myself time to adjust to this new family. I had the most challenging class this year and I should have taken the extra time. My thoughts were.....they are older so I wouldn't need to take the time off like you would with a baby. That was the mistake I made. They were like a baby emotionally and needed the extra time with me. Other than that, I feel like we had a good year. I am sure if I were to really think about it, I could find other mistakes that I did as a parent. But, that will go with every situation. Parenting is hard, but it so worth it!

The girls have grown emotionally and physically. Both girls have grown 6 inches and gained 12-14 pounds. YUM - that American food! They have learned to read, write and swim. They have also learned how to be in social situations like birthday parties and family gatherings. These have been there accomplishments so far and I am so proud of them. I know I say it a lot, but for them to come to our family and join in their role of being sisters i truly amazing!

The most important accomplishment they have taken on this year is finally understanding they were adopted and what that means. We have had lots of conversations about it and now they understand. One of the amazing things is that they said they want to go back to Africa and adopt a child. That completely threw me for a loop when they said that....Karleigh said the same thing. She actually told me she doesn't want to have a child of her own, she wants to adopt. My dream for them has been planted. I have secretly wanted all my children to be open to adopting and just by conversations, they are planning it. Amazing and I am so thankful to God for doing all of this for our family.

Well, Happy America Birthday Girls! We love you so much!

Will We Adot Again?

I really believe that certain people are called to adopt. I believe God places this desire on the hearts of the willing. I have always wanted to adopt and thought a lot about it, but never figured we could afford it or even do it. It's really weird as I look back from the day we started the process to now with the girls being home almost a year ago. It has been an adventure and a journey that I would love to do again.

Jennine, one of my closest friends, is in the process again with adopting a little boy. My sister just came home with her adopted son. You would think with this all around me, I would be jumping in and wanting to adopt again. In the Eban House, there were 2 children (sister and brother) that stole my heart when I was there during the second trip. I was really concerned that God placed them on heart to do something about it. But, He didn't. I thought a lot about them, but never did I feel the nudge I got with Rita and Racheal. The pull I got from the girls was very clear and strong. I haven't had that pull or nudge at all. I can honestly say that .......NO we will not be adopting again. It's not a bad thing at all. God knows our hearts and what we can handle. We are so blessed with what He has given us. I went into this adoption hoping for a daughter. I was amazed with God blessing us with 2 daughters. I look at the girls at night while they are sleeping and think, how incredible they are to join our family. They trust us and love us. All I can say.......AMAZING!

We Met a Year AGO!

It has been a year from now when the girls and I first met. I can't believe it has been a year!

I remember the first time we held hands and the first smile at me. They remember the smell of the gum I was chewing when we first met. But, it has been a year!

During the last couple of week, Rita and Racheal have been acting very strange. I couldn't lay my hands on it. The behavior Jarett and I were getting was a very defiant type of behavior: "I'm not going to...." or "Next time, I am not...". This was very strange behavior for the girls because they usually aren't so defiant. I was concerned, but at the same time I was thinking well they are 9 years old and figuring out things. Now, words and phrases aren't allowed to be spoken like that in our family because it shows disrespect. So when they did that then they had to do a chore for me or something to help me out in the house. During this same time, they kept bringing up their family in Africa. Well, about a week ago, we had a friend of ours (who is a photographer) take family photos of us. Right in the middle of taking the pictures, Racheal says to me with tears building up, "I miss my family in Africa". Right then and there I knew that was the cause of the behavior. I told her, "I know you do, let's talk about it tonight".

After pictures and PJs on, the girls came into my room. We had an amazing talk. This was the first time I talked to them about being adopted and feeling like they now have a better grasp on it. They are still grieving quite a bit, but it seems like a more healthy grieving. This is so hard because they understand and still wonder about their family in Africa. We talked about how lucky they are to have two families and how one day we are all going to be together in God's house. The hardest question for me to answer was "How are we going to know when our birth mom dies". I told them I don't know if we will ever know but we will see her again in Heaven. Them seem ok about it now, but I know the grieving is going to come and go with them. They were old enough to remember their life in Ghana when they left almost a year ago. They have been mentioning seeing their mother a couple of times at Eban House. She lived very close to the home and would come over to see the girls. I think that made things much more confusing for them. But, having to give up my children due to poverty is something I could never imagine doing. If it helped her to know she made the right decision by giving them up, then I am ok with the visits. On the other hand, I wished she didn't do it or was allowed to go and visit because I do feel like it was confusing for the girls. They were under the impression that they were to come to American to go to school and then go back to Ghana to give money to their family. I am hoping with time and maturing, the girls will completely understand what has occurred with them.

We love the girls so much and I know they truly love us! They just need to understand their heart can hold on to so much!

Below are a few of our family photos:

ENERGY

I have really been waiting for such a long time to gain back my ENERGY! I am usually a very energetic person. Sometimes, Jarett would get frustrated at the energy I would have because.....I would invite him to be a part of it. Boy, when we worked together we got so much accomplished.

Since we have adopted the girls, both of our energy levels has gone way down. I believe it was just the overwhelming feeling of having 5 children. The work involved was more than we both can handle or keep up. Both of my breaks (Fall and Winter) were full of other things, so this past Spring Break was awesome! I got to spend the whole time thinking and organizing things in the house. It has been at least a month of full organizing, throwing things out, and getting everyone involved with this. At the beginning of it, I was exhausted every day with the amount of work. Now (a month later), I am doing pretty well. Every weekend, I pick a project and complete it. Last night I stayed up until 3:00 in the morning. I got the front room completely cleaned, organized, and the way I want it. We have turned it into somewhat of a school room. All the kiddos have a cubby and some drawers. This is all the stuff we have had already. We just reused it for a better purpose.

This summer, I am planning on having our days be with at least one - 2 hours of school work. I am going to do crafts, cooking, and science projects with them as well. I really want the children to continue to stay in somewhat of a habit. Our summer days aren't as long as the traditional schedule. We get 7 weeks off, so I was hoping to keep them going. I am creating a calendar of events. I can't wait!

I really want my energy level to stay up. I haven't had it for so long, so now I am doing everything I can to keep it up. I have begun to work out and I am eating much more healthy. I am just hoping that my energy level stays up because I love it! :)

Yarn Braids

16.5 hours later and 2 very numb fingers, the girls have their yarn braids!

I do have to say that I LOVE THEM! The girls look so amazing with them. They walk around moving their braids as they walk. They are so excited to hair longer hair.

First, I started with Rita. We began on Friday night. I didn't really know how to part and was just winging it. :) Later on Saturday, I figured I was doing the braids way to small. So I got onto "You Tube" and watched some videos (during one of our breaks). I found out I was doing to many braids and my parts were to small. I kept going to keep it looking even in the back. But, in the front, I did the parts like what I had learned from the videos. That part was much easier and faster. :)

At around 6:00 pm, I started Racheal's hair. It definitely went faster with her hair because I believe it was the way I did the parts. The parts also make her hair easier to put into pig tails if she wants to. Now, I just have to find a swimming cap to fit their head and their hair. I really don't know if their hair won't last as long if they go swimming. Yes, my kiddos have begun to swim. I didn't allow the girls to go swimming today. I am going to have to find the caps for them.

Both girls were so amazing to sit there while I did this work. It was such an awesome bonding time for us. Rita actually keeps coming up to me today and kissing me. She says, "Mommy, you are the best at braids".

I am really anxious to see how their classmates react tomorrow (if they do at all). They are so excited to go to school tomorrow to show.

For the yarn experts: I have two questions
1. - What type of yarn do you use? On one of the videos I watched before beginning, the girl said she went to Walmart and just bought the yarn. So that's what I did, but found out that the yarn seems to shrink up as time went on. I braided Racheal's hair way longer than Rita's and they both seem to look about the same length. I am thinking it's because of the yarn that it shrunk up. I don't know, but if you have any ideas to make it longer, I would love to hear them. They both want really long braids (like to the middle of their back), but I am not sure how to do that. :)
2. What can I use to spray on their hair to keep it moist?

With twins, I am going to have to space their braiding days apart. My fingers and back can't take it, so I am thinking of doing one girl one weekend and the other the other weekend.

Here are some pictures of their hair: