I usually don't whine but tonight I feel the need to!
I am struggling now with everything that is on our plate. I am struggling with what God wants with me now and what is in our plan, except going crazy :). I feel like I am being pulled in every which direction and have no clue where to go:
* My job (which I really do love) is about 50-60 hours a week of my family's life (that is before the children are in bed)
* The girls are doing really well, but as soon as I really believe that, a curve ball will come my way. I had a set back this past week with Rita. I put so much effort into them, then my biological children also need me. This is all common when you adopt ....or is it?
* I haven't even mentioned my husband needing attention. Date? What is that?
* I feel like...when is it my time to give myself my own attention. The only alone time I have gotten is sleeping when I was sick. Even then, children would come in to ask questions. I locked the door at one time, and then the knocking started.
* Jarett's family members still haven't met the girls. When are they going to make the move to come and see them? It is hard to watch Jarett be disappointed again from them.
* Serving - when would I be able to go back and serve in our church.
* My weight! I really want to loose 25-30 pounds. I really want to exercise, but how do I do that?
* Cleaning the house? what is that? Everybody helps out, but it's not enough for 7 people living here.
Is balance the correct word for this? How can you be balanced with all of this? Something has to give, but what?
In my perfect world: we would win the lottery, all of our bills (including house) would be paid off, I would be a stay at home mom and have a clean / organized house. I would be able to make a snack for the children when they came home, by me picking them up from school, I would have up to date clothes and shoes, I would have plenty of jewelry to wear (not a lot, but some nice things), I would have my wedding ring redone (the diamond fell out), I would give the gift of a life time, and I wouldn't have circles under my eyes everyday.
I am definitely not wanting anyone to feel sorry for me, but this is a place I feel I can vent - it's my blog, so why not. I do have many things to be thankful for, but at the same time, I have many things I need to work out with God and how He wants me to live today, tomorrow, and the next day.
My prayer:
Lord, I ask of you to give me strength and clarity on how you want our family to be shaped. Everything you give us is definitely a Blessing, but sometimes it's hard to know how you want us to take your Blessings. What can I or we learn from you to make the most of this awesome opportunity. Lord, help me to live each day you have planned for me. Help me to see the things you want me to see. Help me to have compassion with people who continue to disappoint me (us). Help me to continue to have You be in the center of my life. In Jesus's name.....Amen
That's my whiny post. I do feel better! :)
Wednesday March 25, 2020
4 years ago
6 comments:
Oh Chalene! I AM sorry you're going through the "blahs" right now. I don't know if they are centered on the adoption or other things, but post adoption blues are very real and very prevalent. No matter how much we love our kids, there are still disappointments and struggles after they get home that we hadn't lived through yet so couldn't have known how hard they would be. Praying for you sweety. Please take care of you. Without you everything else will fall apart, so don't feel quilty about going on a break from being mommy and taking some real time to yourself.
Anita
Chalene, I'm so sorry that you are struggling right now. What you are going throug is perfectly normal and the girls behavior is totally normal for what they have been through. They have feelings of grief, loss, fear of the unknown, excitement, loyalty, betrayal, love. . . . all mixing together in those little heads and sometimes they just don't know how to express it.
They haven't had the same experiences as your birth children, and so they don't have that blind faith and trust that your others have.
I KNOW it is hard right now. I've been where you've been and it does get better. It really does. I can't tell you how many times I wondered if I could do it. How I had screwed up my family forever. But this state does pass. They will become more comfortable with you. They will learn to trust you. They will learn to love you.
Really, it's kinda been like a long distance crush for the girls. They build up these ideals that in their new life, everything will be wonderful. They won't have to eat things they don't like. They won't have to make their bed, do chores, follow rules, go to school. . . And the reality just doesn't live up to their expectaions. That doesn't mean that that you're not doing a good job, it just means that the girls didn't have realistic goals. Kinda like me saying that I could lose 50 pounds in 3 months if I just cut out sugar. lol, Like that will REALLY happen! I wish!
Anyway, I know it's easy to get discouraged, but you are doing a great job with the girls. Please don't forget to take care of yourself and your relationship with your husband though. You CANNOT take care of your kids if you don't take care of yourself.
Don't worry about the house being clean. Let go of it. I know that's easier said than done. But really, does it really matter in ten years whether you dusted on Saturday, or spent time with one of your bio kids that was feeling down or left out. Will it matter more in two years if your floor was mopped or if you read a few extra stories to R&R? The housework will keep. I'm testing that theory myself right now, and I know it isn't easy to do.
Invest in a freezer and make one Saturday a month "fun" cooking day. Make a big deal out of it and cook all of your meals for the whole month, or even the week. it does help if you can just yank something out of the freezer for dinner.
Ok, that was a bit long, but I hear you hurting. I know what you're going through, and my heart hurts for you right now. You're in my prayers girl!
Blessings, Heatehr A
Hi Chalene,
I am sending you big hugs! Please don't apologize for sharing your real, honest feelings about how things are going for you right now. I just hope you will do as the other have suggested and be sure you take care of yourself!
Fabu
Hi Chalene, I dont know how long your girls have been home but I am going thru alot of similiar things to you with managing my time between my two adoptive girls and NOT forgeting my 5 bio. kids who seem to be the ones who go unnoticed because they happen to know better than screaming and demanding attention. I have a family blog www.elonensrgrowing.blogspot.com and a more 'real and honest' blog for older child transracial adoption blog issues.. its www.olderchildadoptionjourney.blogspot.com
I just started this second blog hoping others would be just as candid and honest to share there struggles and what works to help us all out through this Blessed, buT not always easy journey of older child adoption.Check it out if you think it will be a help to you:) Hugs, I know how hard it can be and there have been moments I have HID in my walk in closet;) Tara
GOD I hear you!! I have these fears and right now I don't have any kids here...one moment at a time.. girl.. If I were there right now, I would take your kiddos so you could have a date night!!! Wishing you good thoughts and prayers!
Hi Charlene,
I came across your blog tonight through, Blogs for a Cause.
Your blog has touched my heart in a way that I can't really explain. I am also an adoptive parent. We have one biological daughter and one adopted daughter. Our youngest is adopted. It was wonderful reading about your beautiful family tonight.
I must also say that I could relate to ALOT of things that you posted in this particular entry. I truly feel that most of us (women) feel this way a lot of time with our busy lives. I appreciate that you were being so transparent not only to God (as Ge sees your heart anyways), but for also being transparent to your readers. More of us should be like you in this regard.
Again, I enjoyed stopping by and will be back again.
Please feel free to stop by my sites and comment.
www.daphinereeves.blogspot.com
www.dareu2binspired.blogspot.com
God bless you sister!
Daphine
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