As I look back at the last couple of months, I am very ashamed and embarrassed at how I have acted in some situations. I am not quite sure why I have treated the people I have treated badly or why I have been so out spoken when I shouldn't have. It's not like me at all!
I do have a strong emotional personality, but I have learned to tame it and be more loving and encouraging to people through God's help, of course.
I sit and think about:
What would make me say something to someone to hurt their feelings?
Why I am being so straight to the point?
What is going on for me to feel like I can treat people this way?
I think of "excuses" like PMS, overloaded at work, exhausted, etc. I do think those are contributors, but I don't want to except those as excuses to my behavior.
About a month ago, I had a friend ask me, "When are you going to be back to yourself?". I was shocked at that question. At the time, I didn't know what he was talking about. So after school one day, I asked him what he meant by that comment. He told me that I used to be happy and always smiling and now I don't smile and always seem to be tired. Yes, tired I am, that's for sure. So lately I have been really thinking about this and how I am now.
I usually am a strong person, but as I think back in the last couple of months, I am not sure where my strength has gone. I do have to say that with this fall break, I feel like I have gain some of it back. I have quite drinking Starbucks (which is huge for me), I have gone to the gym the last 2 weeks, I have become a better mom (in my eyes), I have become a better wife (again in my eyes).
Side note on Starbucks: I absolutely love drinking their frozen coffee drinks daily, but for me I would get a good booster of energy in the morning but at lunch time, I would fall flat on my feet. So then I would have to get a diet coke or something with caffine. So during my Fall Break, I stopped altogher with drinking Starbucks. I went through the headaches and tireness, but I can honestly say I feel so much more awake and clear headed since I stopped drinking it.
Back on topic. My friend, Jennine, wrote a post of forgiveness from the Oprah show the other day. I took time tonight to fully read it (go to Going Ghana Gone on my side bar for her blog). What sticks out to me from her post is the aggressiveness that you show someone/people when you haven't forgiven a person. She listed behaviors and ways to forgive. I am not sure who I need to forgive. Maybe I have a underlining person that I need to forgive. Maybe it's things from my childhood that I need to forgive. I don't know, but it is something I need to dive into more to see what and why I have acting in this manner.
As for now, I do want to apologize to you if I have offended you, hurt your feelings, not been respectful towards you, not been loving towards you, and/or been negative by my words or actions. Again, it is something that I am very ashamed and embarrassed about, but hopefuly I can make things right again.
Our pastor spoke last week on Holliness. The one thing he said that I have been really thinking about is being right with God and laying the burdens on him, so I can have light instead of darkness. When I tuck my children in at night and give them a kiss, I want to know I am in the light, not the dark.
My prayer:
Dear Heavenly Father, please take this darkness out of my life. Help me to live the way you want and have planned for me to live. Lord, I ask for your forgiveness and Bless the ones that have forgiven me. Please help me to make things right with people I haven't treated well. Lord, I need your guidance and strength to get out of this dark part of the world, for some reason I am in, and show me the light that comes from only You. I love and adore you Lord. In Your name, Amen.
Chalene
Wednesday March 25, 2020
4 years ago
4 comments:
Beautiful post, Chalene.
Chalene,
This is a brave post. I, too have a strong personality and went through similiar feelings in July, when I was finishing up working at Starbucks, which by the way, I totally agree, caffeine exhausts you. It is so much better to give it up, and your energy doubles.. I personally love ice tea so much, I've got to get to the decaf!!!
Anyhow, I remember thinking how confrontational I was and how angry I felt. I realize certain people bring it out in each other, and with others tempers never flare.. but I have to say the main reason was getting up at 4:00 am!! So much changed when I got rest.. you start to think "what's wrong with me!!!" I'm biting people's heads off. I think you are overworked, and your adjustment period is almost over. But I agree with Jennine and her post as well, it's so important to forgive, and something that takes surrender, and one of the things I pray about the most.
Hello there!
It is a blessing that God led me to your blog to read this confession and prayer. It has touched me very deeply.
Praises to our Lord!
"Paul"
Hey Chalen, I've been saving my response for when I had time to really sit down and write.
I also have a strong personality. When I believe in something, it's usually very passionatly. Sometimes I don't even realize that someone is offended by what I say.
For me, one of the most admirable qualities I find in others, is their ability to be honest, even when it's uncomfortable, or when it hurts. I don't think that's anything to be sorry for. Certainly we can be honest in a way that minimizes making someone feel bad, but I don't think it's a good thing to hold back something that you're feeling for the sake of someone else.
And I think you are am amazingly strong person, a strong Christian, a strong teacher, a strong mother, and a strong friend. But you have a lot on your plate now. Adopting two older children is not easy. They can be frustrating, challenging, downright hateful sometimes. It's only natural that it affects your own mood.
I'm praying for you.
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